My ‘Flamingo’ Willow is, quite frankly, a piece of horticultural flamboyance that has simply run out of the jazz. For eighteen years, it has sat in that raised border, doing its job, looking pink and white, and generally being a well-behaved member of the garden. But lately, it’s developed the temperament of a 1970s Italian supercar. One day it’s fine, and the next, an entire side of the canopy has just… died back. It hasn’t “passed on”; it’s just gone on strike. It’s decided that instead of being a vibrant, rounded cloud of foliage, it would much rather identify as a large stick that serves no purpose other than to look untidy.

I’ve spent the last few seasons staring at it with a mix of confusion and genuine annoyance. You prune it back, hoping for a bit of that classic “Flamingo” vigour, and it responds with a half-hearted sprout of green that looks like it’s barely trying. It’s lopsided, it’s messy, and it’s ruining the feng shui of the entire border. It’s like owning a television that only shows the bottom-left corner of the screen; technically, it’s still a TV, but it’s completely useless for watching Gardeners’ World.

The real dilemma is the “just one more year” trap. We’ve all been there. You convince yourself that a bit of expensive feed or a slightly more aggressive trim will suddenly turn this architectural disaster back into a Chelsea Flower Show winner. But let’s be honest: eighteen years is a massive innings for a grafted standard. It’s reached the age where it just wants to sit there and be difficult. It’s no longer an ornament; it’s a structural failure that I’m forced to look at every time I go outside with my brew.

So, the choice is simple. Do I continue to play the role of the frustrated gardener, trying to fix a tree that clearly wants to identify as a stick? Or do I admit that the Flamingo has simply retired? There’s a certain liberation in finally grabbing the saw and spade and clearing the space. A raised border is prime real estate, and right now, it’s being occupied by a stubborn squatter. I think it’s time to stop the negotiations, clear the wreckage, and put something in its place that actually wants to do its job.